check it out our google latitudes are spooning
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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