i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
