Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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