i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
