dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
ttyl tear gas
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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