Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Come see our sink grown plant.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize