Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
