I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
