Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
