I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
