i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
