Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize