My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
