I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
