if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
