I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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