I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
