If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you had me at cake vodka
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize