she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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