she woke up with a sticky ear
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize