did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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