i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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