So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
