my shit smells like andre
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
that may or may not have been my penis.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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