yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You dont lie about slip and slides
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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