Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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