he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
