dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
