Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
