I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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