U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
