How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
