birth control should be required to get into college
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
