I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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