What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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