i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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