True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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