he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
