I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
