Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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