drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
