Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
