hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
MIDGETS
????
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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