booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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