Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
