If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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