Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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