1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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