I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
