And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
