Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
