I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
