I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize