some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
