Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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