I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize