great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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