My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
