everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
