I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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