If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
