it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
