This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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