god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize