he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
