New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
